Tuesday, November 16, 2021

My dear

Am I really your darling 

After all these years

Despite the blackheads on my nose

And my dark, tanned skin


Do you really want me still

With a child and a messy house

With hair clogging the drain

Beads and blocks on the floor


Do you like to see me

Clothes familiar and worn

No longer bothering with earrings

Hair like an African jungle


You know, I like you still

Your back, large over the kitchen sink

So very familiar

Making breakfast

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

Book Reviews (3)

 1. The Girl He Used To Know by Tracey Garvis Graves

This story follows two people, Annika and Jonathan, and I guess I'm a sucker for love stories where two people feel like they really belong together, like they are their best selves with the other person, because I'm pretty sure I read this book straight through. The chapters fluctuate back and forth inconsistently but its easy reading. Love stories where two people get together, then separate, and then get together again as wiser and stronger adults are kind of compelling and cute, like a modern day fairy tale. The title is sort of misleading because at least half the book is written from the girl's point of view but whatever. Any book that has a character with social anxiety or some kind of medical problem is also really cathartic. 

In a word: sweethearts 

2. The Dreamers by Karen Thompson Walker

This book is about a very contagious sleeping sickness taking over a small American town and with the world in corona-mode right now, I think the timing of this book is great. The story also is interesting, as are the characters. It's a quick and very interesting read, and very relatable especially in the current climate. I like to think we're nearing the end of the book where the sickness mysteriously disappears on its own accord. I really liked the writing. It creates the right sort of tensiony atmosphere that fits well with this theme. And I love a touch of magic realism. 

In a word: contagious

3. The Farm by Joanne Ramos

This book is about a surrogacy program, though its actually about much more than that. It explores the financial imbalance in America, mainly between Philippinos and whites, and how a woman in certain circumstances makes decisions that determine, well, life. It was weird, I've never really thought about this topic, and it even ended with the questionable surrogacy program continuing, which I didn't expect. Is this a picture of the near future? Uncomfortable, but interesting.  

In a word: payment 

4. The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead

This book is based on boys reform schools in US from back in the day. I was expecting scandalous things, but instead the whole whipping and death as punishment just felt sad and heavy. It was eye opening I suppose. It had a surprising twist. And, its very well written. 

In a word: historic

5. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

I did not know this was going to be a dystopian novel, as silly as that sounds. So I had to google what was happening. The writing is very pretty but the novel becomes so boring so often, I read most of the plot on Wikipedia and as much as I could of the actual book. The sex is not sexual and that's part of the idea but its so unfortunate, the total lack of scandalous things. This novel deals with questions about gender roles and identity that don't feel relevant in my life at all. What kind of world disregards love? Not my cup of tea.  

In a word: tedious

6. Women Talking by Miriam Toews

This book was incredible, and its even crazier that its based on something that actually happened. The women come across as incredible strong and witty and close. The discourse on religion and doing the right thing and our duty to God and to our husbands and our children, runs close to my heart. Not that I know anything about rape, but the reasoning of it, figuring out the right thing to do, I found it very interesting. There's a splash of love as well, and women who are tough as hell and yet tolerate abuse from their husbands is weird but real. This is just such an interesting read, and I wish it didn't end where it did, I want to know what happens next. The frame is also engaging. 

In a word: discussion

7. Normal People by Sally Rooney

I think I've written about this book already but I actually read it again, I was so into it. It's a love story, a couple comes together, breaks up, comes together again, and meantime various emotional growth takes place and their lives change and so on. The thing about this book is the dominant-submissive stuff, and it's deep, it's not simple, its not Fifty Shades. In a way, both the guy and the girl find redemption and peace and it's lovely. 

In a word: love

8. To Sleep in a Sea of Stars by Christopher Paolini

Here's a sci-fi fantasy book in a list of 'real life' books but this was an absorbing read, and it had way more drama than I expected. There wasn't a ton of sci-fi, there was so much human-ness to it, that it fits well in this list, despite aliens and outer space and unidentified foreign objects. There's great characters, and lots of adventure and even love, and its easy to follow. It's a long novel, but I love getting the full story, details and all.  

In a word: fun

9. You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson

This is a young adult novel, set in a high school, about prom. Its good, well written, easy reading. Lots of books have lesbians these days and this is one of them. And our main character sticks it to the man. 

In a word: high-school

10. Orange World and Other Stories by Karen Russell

This is an insane collection of short stories, each weirder than the last, and damn. Way to mess with the world. The writing also is excellent, and the settings are unique. This book is seriously worth reading. It's a little heavy, meaning it's not easy, but every story is something to talk about. Magic-realism-horror-comedy? Loved it. 

In a word: weird

11. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The writing is vibrant, of course, since it is Maya Angelou. I'm glad the man is caught in the end. And wow Maya Angelou is brave. 

In a word: autobiography

Thursday, May 20, 2021

It's time

Close your eyes and drift off to sleep now

Why are you so terrified

of how heavy your eyes are feeling

Why does your mouth tremble so

What are these tears running out of your eyes and across your nose

Do you think we will be separated

Do you know, somehow, the truth:

Your body will lie here, I will be cleaning in the other room,

and you will be with God.

Do not be so afraid

The angels will keep you company 

Strangers though they may be

God will not let them bother you

He will return you to me

So for a little while, sleep. 

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

I want to be surrounded by 

tall and silent trees

and covered by a star filled sky

just you, me and God above


Here in the sticky heat of the morning

it is the hour of prayer

I wear fresh clothes

I wash my face of my thoughts


I listen to

the quiet whirring of the fans

the birds of the city are awake

the day's first train roars past 


I think of you, and of the people I've known

of the lakes I've seen and the oceans

of the star speckled skies of my past

and the skies I'm sure are yet to come

Friday, April 23, 2021

 Dear daughter, 

I wrote this for you while you were sleeping, dreaming

I love you, when I pick you up and you stop crying,

and your heads rests once again lolling, eyes closed,

and I am poised for your cry,

but it doesn't come, not yet at least, and wow, the peace.

The kindness in my heart, that wasn't there while you were awake

it grows and I think, I want to do this for you,

I want to write for you. 


When you are awake and I try to type,

with your noises and your hands whacking away at me,

I feel so angry, so resentful, and not a bit loving,

quite the opposite in fact, and now, how desperate you were 

for a moment, afraid of the crow cawing close, though far away from our window,

you came to me arms raised and eyes closed and I felt 

infinitely protective, I felt okay,

I didn't at all hesitate. 


Ah but let me think, surely, there must be some things about you

that I like. For example, when you pretend play, when you play by yourself,

when you give your teddy bears one domino each, making sure once,

and then twice, that they all have one, when you roll around on your back,

with your belly full, doing little things, like trying to touch the plate with your feet,

knowing it makes me angry, how you smile when you do it,

and you see that I see, and I smile when I see your smile because 

this irritation, floating so close to the surface, is not a reward for your misbehavior.

And here I thought I was a bad mom, turns out 

you're a little bit bad yourself. 

Thursday, April 22, 2021

 At night then, look me in my eyes

hold my face between your two hands

and tell me you love me, like you mean it

like its the only true truth.


I want to tell you my little secrets

the stories of my youth 

and my hopes for the future.

I want to share with you the tiny things


before they fizzle out in the glare

of sounds.

Wednesday, April 21, 2021

Night Night Baby

Come to me quietly 

gently, like the night

sudden dusk falling like snow

cool night air

and the windows of light

in the dark


Come to me then when

we are no longer hungry, nor thirsty

when we've done all our chores

and the toys are all played with

lying around the house

the books are left open 

on the pages we like


Come then and lie down

with your head here and your eyes closed

soft curls nestle in my neck

I will hold you until 

you fall asleep, I will hold you

until we both fall asleep. 

Can you hear me

through the noise

can you see me 

through the smog

can you feel me

through the mundane blank walls

the rooms as empty as empty houses

the lines sharp and ugly

cobwebbed

the insects that we've gotten used to 

the heat that seeps into skin

and sweats and sweats


I am sticky and icky with sweat 

the wind then, in the afternoon, is welcome

a welcome relief

it blows us away for a while

we are in heaven

the ocean outside our window

boats bobbing on the water

and the breeze and the quiet 

no people here in heaven

just my daughter and I

each on our own device

left to our own devices

time stops at 5pm 

when the wind blows in from the door

the curtain sways in the breeze

the cool air dries our sweat as it breaks

and I am lost in stories that are not my own


In my own story, there is nothing happening

isn't that a shame, it feels like it

as if at each moment I cannot bear to sit still

I cannot tolerate the existence of stillness

or comfort or time-pass, whatever you call it

and when my husband finally comes home in the evening

isn't it strange, the energy he brings

it is like I re-enter this world then,

as Wife. 

I listen and I complain

I make excuses and I boast of what I did

I ask to be loved


But his eyes are all for our daughter 

who has been in this world all along after all

she never left the bugs and the sweat 

she is overjoyed at her fathers face

squealing with delight

and they are a pair, I watch from the side

they are up to mischief all of their own

a pantomime I wouldn't tolerate even if I was a part of it

it's lovely. Take her, I say

take her. and when I am alone for a while in this house, I enter this world


neither wife nor mother

I clean up myself and the floors and the dishes and the bed

I do all this and I breathe deep breaths, wanting to finish the work

and not wanting the work to finish

I take deep breaths because I am about to cry

drowning in an insubstantial feeling

is it longing? I don't know. I cannot bear it 

I cannot stand another moment

is no one there?

can no one hear me