Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Story-maker

She fills me with stories
I follow her geography as I'd follow a map
crescents and roundabouts in her hands
she tells me about today
I follow her until

she rests her arm around my shoulders
I dare to hold her hand
It is thin and small
and I can smell her
In that vicinity

Monday, March 17, 2014

from Bird by bird by Anne Lamott

The problem is acceptance, which is something we’re taught not to do. We’re taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. But if you accept the reality that you have been given – that you are not in a productive creative period – you free yourself to begin filling up again. I encourage my students at times like these to get one page of anything written, three hundred words of memories or dreams or stream of consciousness on how much they hate writing – just for the hell of it, just to keep their fingers from becoming too arthritic, just because they have made a commitment to try to write three hundred words every day. Then, on bad days and weeks, let things go at that.

I remind myself of this when I cannot get any work done: to live as if I am dying, because the truth is we are all terminal on this bus. To live as if we are dying gives us a chance to experience some real presence. Time is so full for people who are dying in a conscious way, full in the way that life is for children. The spend big round hours. So instead of staring miserably at the computer screen trying to will my way into having a breakthrough, I say to myself, “Okay, hmmm, let’s see. Dying tomorrow. What should I do today?” Then I can decide to read Wallace Stevens for the rest of the morning or go to the beach or just really participate in ordinary life. Any of these will begin the process of filling me back up with observations, flavours, ideas, visions, memories. I might want to write on my last day on earth, but I’d also be aware of other options that would feel at least as pressing. I would want to keep whatever I did simple, I think. And I would want to be present.

It helps to resign as the controller of your fate. All that energy we expend to keep things running right is not what’s keeping things right. We’re bugs struggling in the river, brightly visible to the trout below. With that fact in mind, people like me make up all these rules to give us the illusion that we are in charge. I need to say to myself, they’re not needed, hon. Just take in the buggy pleasures. Be kind to the others, grab the fleck of riverweed, notice how beautifully your bug legs scull.

(from the chapter called ‘Writer’s Block’)

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

road chalk

snow and salt and chalkiness are comforting
everything is normal. I love the damp patches
where the snow has melted. the roads are clean
there is sunlight. the clothes people are wearing
are not new. the ground is hard and solid.
grey-white asphalt sidewalks. it is cold, biting,
there is no madness of perfection
anywhere
except in this idealization of the ordinary
but no! these are just people driving around
doing what they are doing.