Can you hear me

through the noise

can you see me 

through the smog

can you feel me

through the mundane blank walls

the rooms as empty as empty houses

the lines sharp and ugly

cobwebbed

the insects that we've gotten used to 

the heat that seeps into skin

and sweats and sweats

I am sticky and icky with sweat 

the wind then, in the afternoon, is welcome

a welcome relief

it blows us away for a while

we are in heaven

the ocean outside our window

boats bobbing on the water

and the breeze and the quiet 

no people here in heaven

just my daughter and I

each on our own device

left to our own devices

time stops at 5pm 

when the wind blows in from the door

the curtain sways in the breeze

the cool air dries our sweat as it breaks

and I am lost in stories that are not my own

In my own story, there is nothing happening

isn't that a shame, it feels like it

as if at each moment I cannot bear to sit still

I cannot tolerate the existence of stillness

or comfort or time-pass, whatever you call it

and when my husband finally comes home in the evening

isn't it strange, the energy he brings

it is like I re-enter this world then,

as Wife. 

I listen and I complain

I make excuses and I boast of what I did

I ask to be loved

But his eyes are all for our daughter 

who has been in this world all along after all

she never left the bugs and the sweat 

she is overjoyed at her fathers face

squealing with delight

and they are a pair, I watch from the side

they are up to mischief all of their own

a pantomime I wouldn't tolerate even if I was a part of it

it's lovely. Take her, I say

take her. and when I am alone for a while in this house, I enter this world

neither wife nor mother

I clean up myself and the floors and the dishes and the bed

I do all this and I breathe deep breaths, wanting to finish the work

and not wanting the work to finish

I take deep breaths because I am about to cry

drowning in an insubstantial feeling

is it longing? I don't know. I cannot bear it 

I cannot stand another moment

is no one there?

can no one hear me