Am I really your darling
After all these years
Despite the blackheads on my nose
And my dark, tanned skin
Do you really want me still
With a child and a messy house
With hair clogging the drain
Beads and blocks on the floor
Do you like to see me
Clothes familiar and worn
No longer bothering with earrings
Hair like an African jungle
You know, I like you still
Your back, large over the kitchen sink
So very familiar
Making breakfast
1. The Girl He Used To Know by Tracey Garvis Graves
This story follows two people, Annika and Jonathan, and I guess I'm a sucker for love stories where two people feel like they really belong together, like they are their best selves with the other person, because I'm pretty sure I read this book straight through. The chapters fluctuate back and forth inconsistently but its easy reading. Love stories where two people get together, then separate, and then get together again as wiser and stronger adults are kind of compelling and cute, like a modern day fairy tale. The title is sort of misleading because at least half the book is written from the girl's point of view but whatever. Any book that has a character with social anxiety or some kind of medical problem is also really cathartic.
In a word: sweethearts
2. The Dreamers by Karen Thompson Walker
This book is about a very contagious sleeping sickness taking over a small American town and with the world in corona-mode right now, I think the timing of this book is great. The story also is interesting, as are the characters. It's a quick and very interesting read, and very relatable especially in the current climate. I like to think we're nearing the end of the book where the sickness mysteriously disappears on its own accord. I really liked the writing. It creates the right sort of tensiony atmosphere that fits well with this theme. And I love a touch of magic realism.
In a word: contagious
3. The Farm by Joanne Ramos
This book is about a surrogacy program, though its actually about much more than that. It explores the financial imbalance in America, mainly between Philippinos and whites, and how a woman in certain circumstances makes decisions that determine, well, life. It was weird, I've never really thought about this topic, and it even ended with the questionable surrogacy program continuing, which I didn't expect. Is this a picture of the near future? Uncomfortable, but interesting.
In a word: payment
4. The Nickel Boys by Colson Whitehead
This book is based on boys reform schools in US from back in the day. I was expecting scandalous things, but instead the whole whipping and death as punishment just felt sad and heavy. It was eye opening I suppose. It had a surprising twist. And, its very well written.
In a word: historic
5. The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
I did not know this was going to be a dystopian novel, as silly as that sounds. So I had to google what was happening. The writing is very pretty but the novel becomes so boring so often, I read most of the plot on Wikipedia and as much as I could of the actual book. The sex is not sexual and that's part of the idea but its so unfortunate, the total lack of scandalous things. This novel deals with questions about gender roles and identity that don't feel relevant in my life at all. What kind of world disregards love? Not my cup of tea.
In a word: tedious
6. Women Talking by Miriam Toews
This book was incredible, and its even crazier that its based on something that actually happened. The women come across as incredible strong and witty and close. The discourse on religion and doing the right thing and our duty to God and to our husbands and our children, runs close to my heart. Not that I know anything about rape, but the reasoning of it, figuring out the right thing to do, I found it very interesting. There's a splash of love as well, and women who are tough as hell and yet tolerate abuse from their husbands is weird but real. This is just such an interesting read, and I wish it didn't end where it did, I want to know what happens next. The frame is also engaging.
In a word: discussion
7. Normal People by Sally Rooney
I think I've written about this book already but I actually read it again, I was so into it. It's a love story, a couple comes together, breaks up, comes together again, and meantime various emotional growth takes place and their lives change and so on. The thing about this book is the dominant-submissive stuff, and it's deep, it's not simple, its not Fifty Shades. In a way, both the guy and the girl find redemption and peace and it's lovely.
In a word: love
8. To Sleep in a Sea of Stars by Christopher Paolini
Here's a sci-fi fantasy book in a list of 'real life' books but this was an absorbing read, and it had way more drama than I expected. There wasn't a ton of sci-fi, there was so much human-ness to it, that it fits well in this list, despite aliens and outer space and unidentified foreign objects. There's great characters, and lots of adventure and even love, and its easy to follow. It's a long novel, but I love getting the full story, details and all.
In a word: fun
9. You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson
This is a young adult novel, set in a high school, about prom. Its good, well written, easy reading. Lots of books have lesbians these days and this is one of them. And our main character sticks it to the man.
In a word: high-school
10. Orange World and Other Stories by Karen Russell
This is an insane collection of short stories, each weirder than the last, and damn. Way to mess with the world. The writing also is excellent, and the settings are unique. This book is seriously worth reading. It's a little heavy, meaning it's not easy, but every story is something to talk about. Magic-realism-horror-comedy? Loved it.
In a word: weird
11. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou
The writing is vibrant, of course, since it is Maya Angelou. I'm glad the man is caught in the end. And wow Maya Angelou is brave.
In a word: autobiography
Close your eyes and drift off to sleep now
Why are you so terrified
of how heavy your eyes are feeling
Why does your mouth tremble so
What are these tears running out of your eyes and across your nose
Do you think we will be separated
Do you know, somehow, the truth:
Your body will lie here, I will be cleaning in the other room,
and you will be with God.
Do not be so afraid
The angels will keep you company
Strangers though they may be
God will not let them bother you
He will return you to me
So for a little while, sleep.
I want to be surrounded by
tall and silent trees
and covered by a star filled sky
just you, me and God above
Here in the sticky heat of the morning
it is the hour of prayer
I wear fresh clothes
I wash my face of my thoughts
I listen to
the quiet whirring of the fans
the birds of the city are awake
the day's first train roars past
I think of you, and of the people I've known
of the lakes I've seen and the oceans
of the star speckled skies of my past
and the skies I'm sure are yet to come
Dear daughter,
I wrote this for you while you were sleeping, dreaming
I love you, when I pick you up and you stop crying,
and your heads rests once again lolling, eyes closed,
and I am poised for your cry,
but it doesn't come, not yet at least, and wow, the peace.
The kindness in my heart, that wasn't there while you were awake
it grows and I think, I want to do this for you,
I want to write for you.
When you are awake and I try to type,
with your noises and your hands whacking away at me,
I feel so angry, so resentful, and not a bit loving,
quite the opposite in fact, and now, how desperate you were
for a moment, afraid of the crow cawing close, though far away from our window,
you came to me arms raised and eyes closed and I felt
infinitely protective, I felt okay,
I didn't at all hesitate.
Ah but let me think, surely, there must be some things about you
that I like. For example, when you pretend play, when you play by yourself,
when you give your teddy bears one domino each, making sure once,
and then twice, that they all have one, when you roll around on your back,
with your belly full, doing little things, like trying to touch the plate with your feet,
knowing it makes me angry, how you smile when you do it,
and you see that I see, and I smile when I see your smile because
this irritation, floating so close to the surface, is not a reward for your misbehavior.
And here I thought I was a bad mom, turns out
you're a little bit bad yourself.
At night then, look me in my eyes
hold my face between your two hands
and tell me you love me, like you mean it
like its the only true truth.
I want to tell you my little secrets
the stories of my youth
and my hopes for the future.
I want to share with you the tiny things
before they fizzle out in the glare
of sounds.
Come to me quietly
gently, like the night
sudden dusk falling like snow
cool night air
and the windows of light
in the dark
Come to me then when
we are no longer hungry, nor thirsty
when we've done all our chores
and the toys are all played with
lying around the house
the books are left open
on the pages we like
Come then and lie down
with your head here and your eyes closed
soft curls nestle in my neck
I will hold you until
you fall asleep, I will hold you
until we both fall asleep.
Can you hear me
through the noise
can you see me
through the smog
can you feel me
through the mundane blank walls
the rooms as empty as empty houses
the lines sharp and ugly
cobwebbed
the insects that we've gotten used to
the heat that seeps into skin
and sweats and sweats
I am sticky and icky with sweat
the wind then, in the afternoon, is welcome
a welcome relief
it blows us away for a while
we are in heaven
the ocean outside our window
boats bobbing on the water
and the breeze and the quiet
no people here in heaven
just my daughter and I
each on our own device
left to our own devices
time stops at 5pm
when the wind blows in from the door
the curtain sways in the breeze
the cool air dries our sweat as it breaks
and I am lost in stories that are not my own
In my own story, there is nothing happening
isn't that a shame, it feels like it
as if at each moment I cannot bear to sit still
I cannot tolerate the existence of stillness
or comfort or time-pass, whatever you call it
and when my husband finally comes home in the evening
isn't it strange, the energy he brings
it is like I re-enter this world then,
as Wife.
I listen and I complain
I make excuses and I boast of what I did
I ask to be loved
But his eyes are all for our daughter
who has been in this world all along after all
she never left the bugs and the sweat
she is overjoyed at her fathers face
squealing with delight
and they are a pair, I watch from the side
they are up to mischief all of their own
a pantomime I wouldn't tolerate even if I was a part of it
it's lovely. Take her, I say
take her. and when I am alone for a while in this house, I enter this world
neither wife nor mother
I clean up myself and the floors and the dishes and the bed
I do all this and I breathe deep breaths, wanting to finish the work
and not wanting the work to finish
I take deep breaths because I am about to cry
drowning in an insubstantial feeling
is it longing? I don't know. I cannot bear it
I cannot stand another moment
is no one there?
can no one hear me